Clarity sometimes is the best thing for the mind, from a designers perspective and content creator, there’s nothing worse than designers block. Finals approaching it amazes me how irritated you get, and I suppose a stroll by the sea couldn’t have come at a better time. Sculptures by the Sea an amazing en plein air exhibit showcasing Australias talent, being no less than a hike along the Australian coast from Bondi to Tamarama, but like I said it was definitely an opportunity that revealed itself at the perfect time.
Stress coming from work life, studying, and personal issues getting away becomes therapeutic. For those that know me, outgoing, funny, and blunt, are probably some of the words that come to mind, but isolation seems to be when I feel most like… me. The works this year were truly great, and an overcast Bondi afternoon set the mood perfectly. Headphones, Kendrick, and a camera creates my ideal afternoon escape.
I had a discussion with a friend from College, discussing my urge to speak my mind more and more these days. Unsure of whether it was to be me slowly getting older (I know being 19 get over it you’re still young, I get it), or the fact that I’m drained by everyones expectations. Growing up I’ve always been a yes man, smiled and asked how high when told to jump, but progressively I start to want to reply, “lift me up”. Pushed to breaking point like I said, sometimes the best way to be productive is to do nothing. I feel like sometimes in life you come to a point where you need to sit back and look at what you’re doing and where you’re going, but at the same time you want to continue on the road that comes naturally; one that isn’t predetermined or pre-planned.
Shooting the ocean is truly a test of patience. Waiting for that perfect wave to crash against the rock faces, to get the stereotypical wave crashing against the rocks photo, but I felt like doing nothing but staring down a lens and waiting for the perfect image. It was pretty much the same as life, looking down a the lens of future with something in sight, but having to wait for it come happen, and it’s only then when you are able to capture that perfect moment in a frame. Working hard all my life for everything I have is something that I’m proud of but at the same time upset at the fact that I’ve seen people get everything for nothing. While others breeze through life , living off luck or the hard work of others, has always been something I’ve envied. The fact that I’ve had to work for all my wants, laptop, designer clothes, and other perceived “geeky” electronics, yet still deemed spoilt or ungrateful, makes me feel like all of those have just been given to me on a silver platter.
I remember wanting a laptop to study with for my senior years in high school. Most of my friends unemployed and living off the wage of their parents, and I had three 10 hour shifts cleaning. I remover walking out and on every table I wiped down I reminded myself why I was there and working through every customer that had consciously smeared their sauce on the table and dropped their rubbish on the floor, the only thing that kept me going was my end goal. The thing that upset me the most was that after all that hard work my friends were in the same position as me. They had a new laptop for their senior years yet had the opportunity to spend the past 12 months with their family and friends while I was left scrubbing tables. People say that something is worth so much more when you know you’ve worked for it, and in some cases I agree. A holiday, time off, experiences in general is something that when you’re there you look back and think I made it.
Standing in what I hope to be a New York studio apartment, managing a major design firm, is something that I wish to say one day I worked for, yet when something is just given I wonder why they receive it on a silver platter while I’m still panning for gold. It’s especially hard when those who’ve been given it are convinced by those who gave it to them that they worked for it.
It’s times like these where a long drive and a bit of a walk do best . Not to reflect and dwell on everything (that’s what this is for) but rather to lose yourself and not think, not feel, but just white noise, applied to your entire life. It’s a wonder whether to accept the fact that you’ll never really be given much in life, or give up trying to keep up with those that get given all they have. By no means is it a competition but you wonder when there’s that one friend that leaves their assessment until the last-minute while you’ve been working your ass off and they go and ask their older sibling for their assignment and receive a higher mark. You think unfair, unethical, and demeaning, and when you tell everyone, at least I worked for what I got and they didn’t; in your head your annoyed by the outcome.
Most of my life it’s been like this and it’s only every blue moon it gets me down and seems to put a cloud on everything else around me. Family and friends I reject because I aim to work, but when you see others have the same if not more than me, without having to forfeit any time with their loves ones, I wonder what I could possibly do to get a break.
“Long is the way and hard that out of hell leads up to light” -John Milton, Paradise Lost